August 11, 2010

Yeah... Love sure is a funny thing... Makes you happy, makes you sad, makes you do all sorts of things you thought you can never do before...  Often times love also gives me a series of premature ventricular contraction and sometimes leads me to Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. 

August  11, 2010 the day I met you. I thought we were destined to meet each other as both of us suffer the bitter part of loving...  This is the day I met you, and I remember you... sad to say you don't remember me... Unfortunately day by day you tend to forget me...

Today I alone cherish the old days when we were  new as friends... You were suspicious, hardheaded person, and there was not any time, as far as I can remember  that we could agree with each other. You are kind of a narrow minded person that have a stubborn heart  while I on the other hand always weigh things out and justify everything by mercy and understanding...  Apparently we in almost everything were exactly opposite... A thing I don't understand why I come to like you, well you are funny in some ways but not enough reason. Good thing somehow you listen to me, when I said shave and learn to groom yourself, now you look by far more better than before... But sad to say ... still health careless... I hope you could be health conscious before its too late... Try to love yourself and take care of your body, remember health is wealth... No matter how hard you work and gain lots of money but in the end will have serious illness  then it would be useless, your just going to save all you've worked hard for  in hospital expenses... that would be a waste then.

Today I really miss you... I miss the old you, the one that I can be me with, the long talks that we usually have, and I just really miss you... But now a days, for long time now I know you had changed... And no matter how much I like to deny it, reality is slowly you are becoming a stranger... It hurts... but your happiness is always my concern... From the bottom of my heart I am setting you free... And I pray that sooner or later the right one will come along and complete your life. I would be glad to see that smile and happiness in your face and that is my wish for you as one being a part of me... your happiness always and forever even if it means you being apart from me....

FYI: Written August 11,2011 just posted this day...

Lesson Learned for the Day

July 17, 2011

Woke up late, wasn’t able to attend worship service, too bad, good thing though I was able to attend special Thanksgiving. As usual my friend was not there so alone again. No one to talk No one to ask and no one to laugh with, but just fine at least I had done my duty.  Sad to say I miss her call anyways I’ll just sms her later, I can feel she is in distress maybe she needs my advice, and I think I should have to admonish her but I should see to do it in the right way, may God help her. The whole gathering was finish late, but not so late as I expected. I feel so bad about the topic  today, I was so moved that I feel so lame, how could I have been so lame. How could I have been so irresponsible. I know my duty, the only duty I can do ever since I was working but I realize how many times I fail. Feeling so guilty. It made made me see that there are more important things to attend to than being so dejected with my life issues. I think i should stop being depress and I should believe in God because he knows everything. He knows what’s good for me. So I should always bear in mind that everything happens for a reason. I may not know the reason but I know it for my own good. God knows what I want, and if ever I can’t have it, then I have to accept it. “If His heart belongs to me then he will be for me, no matter what happens, if not then He will never be...”

Lesson learned for the day:

All human no matter what place or culture are all same. They might  have differences in beliefs and in attitudes but all Man have same feelings.  One thing a Man can have as his  Pride is the feeling of being valued. The feeling of being useful and feeling of being needed is one of the greatest achievement a man can have. Most people now a days don’t see the importance of valuing a person. Neither they know how to value a person, maybe because they don’t know and see the essence of it. If one knows the value of one thing he/she will never scatter it anywhere rather keep it, to insure its safety for fear of loosing it. It goes well with human also. One must know how to value a person. Any kind of relationship must be nurtured and cared. Everyone must learn not to take anyone for granted, if not then they will never realized the importance of one person, and later regret before they realize that they lost a gem...

Pride or Apathy

July 10, 2011

     Long day today, no time for enjoyment and leisure. I don't mind, I am not in the mood to have fun nor do anything anyway. I just wanna caress these days of emptiness. No reason to be happy at all.

     There was not any signs of showing up.Maybe hide and seek was the new plan of game. I am not surprise anymore as I know him as a man of great pride. I don't have the guts to disturb him either, nor demand for any reason or even just to ask some questions, as his indifference was in its highest level already. It is a shame on my side to demand or expect anything as I can't see any feelings, even a littlest form of compassion.

     It is depressing but nothing I can do than to respect his will. It is not my choice not to bother him nor feel detached from him. It his pride or apathy that oblige me to do  so. I may not be sure if its pride or apathy but one thing I am sure, it's kind of a disgrace for me to ask for more.

     This may be another day of lonesomeness, still have to be thankful for this life. My hope and prayer is a blessing of compassion from above to heal this broken heart. In spite of all these pains, I prefer to struggle even if it means heart aches everyday. Any ways everything under the sun is vanity. I guess it is true what they say that in every laughter is equals to a hundredfold tears of sadness of man...

Words is not Enough

     There's a saying that goes "Action  speaks louder than Words ". No matter how convincing or romantic your words may be if your actions does not goes smoothly with it, I don't think anyone in thier right senses would love to believe. As words are not enough to express feelings and emotions, the more words is not enough to show and convey one's feelings and intentions...

All I Wanted...

I wasn’t able to sleep last night. I was attacked by own pity after seeing him talking her interestingly and gaily while he talk me so dull and tardy. I don’t have anything against him talking to any girl or anybody; it’s just that seeing how he talks them just makes me want to get lost. I wish I was them because he looks so happy and carefree while talking them, but when it comes to me, I can hardly see a smile on his face. Sometimes I feel that he is just talking me because he  feel oblige. Yes he comes to talk me but my waiting is more than the time we talk. I don’t mind waiting as long as I can get the quality of communication. On the other hand I don’t want to force him either so I just waited in silence and never demand. What just hurts is that when he dispatches me easily for others who just came in, not even minding that I have been waiting for so long hoping to talk him. I don’t mind if he wants me to go for talking with others, but would he at least say it kindly? Don’t I deserve it, after waiting and sacrificing my sleep for him?  I hope he thinks that too. It’s so ironic how my mind wants to believe he loves me but my heart just can’t help saying “can’t feel it”. He is so close but so far, he knows me I know him but he is just like a stranger towards to me. I had been trying to figure it out but until now I still can’t get it. Sometimes I feel I am just a cover up that when he has no one to talk, he comes to me for talking. Or maybe I am one of his options. Well I don’t mind if he will just tell me honestly, then I would gladly and sincerely say to him to spread his wings and fly, if he comes back then it’s me he wants, if not then I was never was. Sometimes I wish he would just break my heart at least I know than torturing me by clouding up my mind. I don’t care to what I believe but I know how I am feeling right now and I don’t think he could imagine that nor even care. All I wanted was just to feel to him but sad to say try as hard as I may I can’t really feel. Maybe it’s just the way it is; guess by now I should  start learning how to accept my own defeat…

Hints for Guys

I never knew about friend for life proposal not until Kokey proposed that to me.  I was amazed and petrified for a while. I never heard anything something like that before, nor even that kind of idea ever cross my mind.  It is kind of funny, but cute and so heartwarming. Hearing that felt so nice knowing that someone would want you as their friend for a lifetime.  It’s like that you are being appreciated though not worthy of. Simple as that but it was really a big nice surprise. Later on I found out that yesterday is a Proposal Day for them so I was Lucky to be involved.  It would feel nicer if my other part would propose, well unexpectedly he did.

Talking about proposal, something just came to mind. Do men take time to realize what women think, feel, and need before they propose? Or are they even aware of it? I think it’s better for them to know before they propose to get some good effect.

Well women differ from each other by feelings, thinking’s and needs but here are some hints for guys out there. For most women Sincerity matter most. We can tell when you do something for us out of your desire to show affection of love or just out of obligation. Be subtle in displaying your feelings. How you treat your mother have a big impact to us women, it about treatment thing. Don’t ever face your women with guilty feeling surely you will be counted as cheaters. So if you are being questioned, don’t think that we are trying to corner you, we are just giving you opportunity to clarify yourself and come clean, so if you act like one guilty person in front of us we think you are really cheating. To avoid this remind your woman always how much you love her. Women always want to hear that , not necessarily every minute or every day , once in a while  is enough. Don’t forget to acknowledge your woman or appreciate them for every act they had done  for you, a simple thank you could mean a lot. Surprise and date her, it’s a big plus. Listen when your woman talks. We don’t always needs an answer especially when we talk about our problems, just you being our sympathetic listener is already a big thing, never ignore us in this state, it will make us feel unimportant. One more thing, never throw misogynistic jokes it’s not really funny at all.  As per my experience and as a woman, these are just few hints on how should guys treat a woman.  Well it just makes me think since it was their Proposal Day. -_-

Part of Me

It is so ironic to meet someone you think could be the most wonderful person on the world. You opened up your heart and soul and discussed relationships and love, and how to make it grow, how to take care of it then hinted out to be exclusive someday. Then you got carried out. No one ever made you special then you fall in love, that all you do is spend all your days thinking of him, wondering how he was doing, and missing him every moment, that you are hoping to see him even for just an hour and how could that just  simple hi  or hello  could lighten up your day. A small thing that could means a lot for someone who loves. Then you start thinking this is the one I want to spend my whole life with.

             But for some reason, the more you feel in love the less you feel loved. And the more you want to be close the more he or she distances...

             I was empty and unloved the time I met him, now feel emptier. I just want to talk him every few hours or see him every few minutes but unlike me he could go for long periods or time without talking or seeing me  and even seem not to bother at all. That's why my thoughts and feelings keep bouncing from "he loves me or he loves me not”. Every day I am consumed of thinking of this special person, trying to figure out how to capture his whole attention even just for an hour. But he seems so extraordinarily insensitive and it drives me nuts that I hardly could refrain myself from telling him that he is unfair, selfish, insensitive, boorish etc. I tried to back away a little that I may gain more perspective on the relationship but couldn't pull one trough, got scared that a little distance might ruined everything. Too afraid to complain for I crave for his love, that in the next moment I succumb to the call of love again, just to feel his embrace but still in vain. Trying so bad to please him but I am left feeling unloved, making me feel just a second rate. My assessment of his love is different from mine and when I point out he just shrug his shoulder and doesn't even seems to care. His life seems so full that there is not much room for me. Try as I may get in I always feel like an "outsider", and he is not even doing anything to include me. My anxiety is at the high end and there's a part of me that wants to end all, or maybe wants him to leave to regain my lost power, yet frightened for this to happen. I am obsessed of trying hard to interpret, understand and clarify his every word and action and I couldn’t fathom everything. It’s like I am always begging for love but never in a way as compulsive. Yes… he is in total control and you are right I am one insecure powerless clinger for love...