All I Wanted...

I wasn’t able to sleep last night. I was attacked by own pity after seeing him talking her interestingly and gaily while he talk me so dull and tardy. I don’t have anything against him talking to any girl or anybody; it’s just that seeing how he talks them just makes me want to get lost. I wish I was them because he looks so happy and carefree while talking them, but when it comes to me, I can hardly see a smile on his face. Sometimes I feel that he is just talking me because he  feel oblige. Yes he comes to talk me but my waiting is more than the time we talk. I don’t mind waiting as long as I can get the quality of communication. On the other hand I don’t want to force him either so I just waited in silence and never demand. What just hurts is that when he dispatches me easily for others who just came in, not even minding that I have been waiting for so long hoping to talk him. I don’t mind if he wants me to go for talking with others, but would he at least say it kindly? Don’t I deserve it, after waiting and sacrificing my sleep for him?  I hope he thinks that too. It’s so ironic how my mind wants to believe he loves me but my heart just can’t help saying “can’t feel it”. He is so close but so far, he knows me I know him but he is just like a stranger towards to me. I had been trying to figure it out but until now I still can’t get it. Sometimes I feel I am just a cover up that when he has no one to talk, he comes to me for talking. Or maybe I am one of his options. Well I don’t mind if he will just tell me honestly, then I would gladly and sincerely say to him to spread his wings and fly, if he comes back then it’s me he wants, if not then I was never was. Sometimes I wish he would just break my heart at least I know than torturing me by clouding up my mind. I don’t care to what I believe but I know how I am feeling right now and I don’t think he could imagine that nor even care. All I wanted was just to feel to him but sad to say try as hard as I may I can’t really feel. Maybe it’s just the way it is; guess by now I should  start learning how to accept my own defeat…