Part of Me

It is so ironic to meet someone you think could be the most wonderful person on the world. You opened up your heart and soul and discussed relationships and love, and how to make it grow, how to take care of it then hinted out to be exclusive someday. Then you got carried out. No one ever made you special then you fall in love, that all you do is spend all your days thinking of him, wondering how he was doing, and missing him every moment, that you are hoping to see him even for just an hour and how could that just  simple hi  or hello  could lighten up your day. A small thing that could means a lot for someone who loves. Then you start thinking this is the one I want to spend my whole life with.

             But for some reason, the more you feel in love the less you feel loved. And the more you want to be close the more he or she distances...

             I was empty and unloved the time I met him, now feel emptier. I just want to talk him every few hours or see him every few minutes but unlike me he could go for long periods or time without talking or seeing me  and even seem not to bother at all. That's why my thoughts and feelings keep bouncing from "he loves me or he loves me not”. Every day I am consumed of thinking of this special person, trying to figure out how to capture his whole attention even just for an hour. But he seems so extraordinarily insensitive and it drives me nuts that I hardly could refrain myself from telling him that he is unfair, selfish, insensitive, boorish etc. I tried to back away a little that I may gain more perspective on the relationship but couldn't pull one trough, got scared that a little distance might ruined everything. Too afraid to complain for I crave for his love, that in the next moment I succumb to the call of love again, just to feel his embrace but still in vain. Trying so bad to please him but I am left feeling unloved, making me feel just a second rate. My assessment of his love is different from mine and when I point out he just shrug his shoulder and doesn't even seems to care. His life seems so full that there is not much room for me. Try as I may get in I always feel like an "outsider", and he is not even doing anything to include me. My anxiety is at the high end and there's a part of me that wants to end all, or maybe wants him to leave to regain my lost power, yet frightened for this to happen. I am obsessed of trying hard to interpret, understand and clarify his every word and action and I couldn’t fathom everything. It’s like I am always begging for love but never in a way as compulsive. Yes… he is in total control and you are right I am one insecure powerless clinger for love...