All I Wanted...

I wasn’t able to sleep last night. I was attacked by own pity after seeing him talking her interestingly and gaily while he talk me so dull and tardy. I don’t have anything against him talking to any girl or anybody; it’s just that seeing how he talks them just makes me want to get lost. I wish I was them because he looks so happy and carefree while talking them, but when it comes to me, I can hardly see a smile on his face. Sometimes I feel that he is just talking me because he  feel oblige. Yes he comes to talk me but my waiting is more than the time we talk. I don’t mind waiting as long as I can get the quality of communication. On the other hand I don’t want to force him either so I just waited in silence and never demand. What just hurts is that when he dispatches me easily for others who just came in, not even minding that I have been waiting for so long hoping to talk him. I don’t mind if he wants me to go for talking with others, but would he at least say it kindly? Don’t I deserve it, after waiting and sacrificing my sleep for him?  I hope he thinks that too. It’s so ironic how my mind wants to believe he loves me but my heart just can’t help saying “can’t feel it”. He is so close but so far, he knows me I know him but he is just like a stranger towards to me. I had been trying to figure it out but until now I still can’t get it. Sometimes I feel I am just a cover up that when he has no one to talk, he comes to me for talking. Or maybe I am one of his options. Well I don’t mind if he will just tell me honestly, then I would gladly and sincerely say to him to spread his wings and fly, if he comes back then it’s me he wants, if not then I was never was. Sometimes I wish he would just break my heart at least I know than torturing me by clouding up my mind. I don’t care to what I believe but I know how I am feeling right now and I don’t think he could imagine that nor even care. All I wanted was just to feel to him but sad to say try as hard as I may I can’t really feel. Maybe it’s just the way it is; guess by now I should  start learning how to accept my own defeat…

Hints for Guys

I never knew about friend for life proposal not until Kokey proposed that to me.  I was amazed and petrified for a while. I never heard anything something like that before, nor even that kind of idea ever cross my mind.  It is kind of funny, but cute and so heartwarming. Hearing that felt so nice knowing that someone would want you as their friend for a lifetime.  It’s like that you are being appreciated though not worthy of. Simple as that but it was really a big nice surprise. Later on I found out that yesterday is a Proposal Day for them so I was Lucky to be involved.  It would feel nicer if my other part would propose, well unexpectedly he did.

Talking about proposal, something just came to mind. Do men take time to realize what women think, feel, and need before they propose? Or are they even aware of it? I think it’s better for them to know before they propose to get some good effect.

Well women differ from each other by feelings, thinking’s and needs but here are some hints for guys out there. For most women Sincerity matter most. We can tell when you do something for us out of your desire to show affection of love or just out of obligation. Be subtle in displaying your feelings. How you treat your mother have a big impact to us women, it about treatment thing. Don’t ever face your women with guilty feeling surely you will be counted as cheaters. So if you are being questioned, don’t think that we are trying to corner you, we are just giving you opportunity to clarify yourself and come clean, so if you act like one guilty person in front of us we think you are really cheating. To avoid this remind your woman always how much you love her. Women always want to hear that , not necessarily every minute or every day , once in a while  is enough. Don’t forget to acknowledge your woman or appreciate them for every act they had done  for you, a simple thank you could mean a lot. Surprise and date her, it’s a big plus. Listen when your woman talks. We don’t always needs an answer especially when we talk about our problems, just you being our sympathetic listener is already a big thing, never ignore us in this state, it will make us feel unimportant. One more thing, never throw misogynistic jokes it’s not really funny at all.  As per my experience and as a woman, these are just few hints on how should guys treat a woman.  Well it just makes me think since it was their Proposal Day. -_-

Part of Me

It is so ironic to meet someone you think could be the most wonderful person on the world. You opened up your heart and soul and discussed relationships and love, and how to make it grow, how to take care of it then hinted out to be exclusive someday. Then you got carried out. No one ever made you special then you fall in love, that all you do is spend all your days thinking of him, wondering how he was doing, and missing him every moment, that you are hoping to see him even for just an hour and how could that just  simple hi  or hello  could lighten up your day. A small thing that could means a lot for someone who loves. Then you start thinking this is the one I want to spend my whole life with.

             But for some reason, the more you feel in love the less you feel loved. And the more you want to be close the more he or she distances...

             I was empty and unloved the time I met him, now feel emptier. I just want to talk him every few hours or see him every few minutes but unlike me he could go for long periods or time without talking or seeing me  and even seem not to bother at all. That's why my thoughts and feelings keep bouncing from "he loves me or he loves me not”. Every day I am consumed of thinking of this special person, trying to figure out how to capture his whole attention even just for an hour. But he seems so extraordinarily insensitive and it drives me nuts that I hardly could refrain myself from telling him that he is unfair, selfish, insensitive, boorish etc. I tried to back away a little that I may gain more perspective on the relationship but couldn't pull one trough, got scared that a little distance might ruined everything. Too afraid to complain for I crave for his love, that in the next moment I succumb to the call of love again, just to feel his embrace but still in vain. Trying so bad to please him but I am left feeling unloved, making me feel just a second rate. My assessment of his love is different from mine and when I point out he just shrug his shoulder and doesn't even seems to care. His life seems so full that there is not much room for me. Try as I may get in I always feel like an "outsider", and he is not even doing anything to include me. My anxiety is at the high end and there's a part of me that wants to end all, or maybe wants him to leave to regain my lost power, yet frightened for this to happen. I am obsessed of trying hard to interpret, understand and clarify his every word and action and I couldn’t fathom everything. It’s like I am always begging for love but never in a way as compulsive. Yes… he is in total control and you are right I am one insecure powerless clinger for love...

Part and Parcel of my Life

When I was a kid I live in a world of fantasy and believe that everything has its own happy endings like those in fairy tales. But as I grew older, as I get acquainted with Life sweet bitter days, I learned to live in the world of reality. Living in reality is a tough battle, especially when you are out there trying to find your part for someone, or wishing for someone to take you as a part of them. As I go on further exploring the wilderness of the world's reality, I found myself as my worst enemy, for I am always scared of almost everything. I crave for love, I desire for care and I am always thirsty for affection. I want to have back the things in the way I gave it as I want all things be fair. Though I can give and do more than you can give or do. I don’t mind for simple things given to me or for small things done for me, as long as I can see the sincerity, it could already make me happy. I always believe that “it’s the thoughts that count”. I could fight for love as long as I can see it worth fighting for, but if the one I am fighting for is too idle even just to point its finger then useless, better let go. I think its nonsense to hold on to something or to someone who doesn’t even want to hang on. Over my life I had been fighting for love and most often if not rejected definitely neglected and forgotten. Got hurt but never resented. Got deceive but never plan to avenge nor thoughts of curses comes across my mind. Vengeance is not mine. Certainly justice will always prevail, maybe not now but surely later, and fair enough I believe they will get their own share, on the other hand, I never wish anyone for that either. I maybe into lots of distress in my pursuit of happiness still I have faith and this faith gives me hope, enough for me to carry on. I know I can’t have everything even how hard I have to work for it. I’ll just have to keep on doing my part because in life there are just   things that we can’t avoid and that’s what we called part of life when we are living in the real world. These are just pieces of me, part and parcel of my life. I am no one and nothing to be proud of, but I have a dream, that is to be a part in everyone’s life I met along my journey especially to the one I am waiting for.